To Begin At The Beginning?

Salaam, Shalom. In the beginning was the word. And the word was made digital and dwelt amongst us. Shalom, Salaam.

My name is Malachetta Adonai, which roughly translates as Destiny Angel. Yes, I am an angel. But no need to be too impressed. I’m only a third class angel. I work for The Big Number One as He used to be known in His more retributive days. You know of whom I speak. He died on the cross and now He’s the Boss. Yes, that’s right, ‘Im Upstairs.

Angels. Top of the hegemony of heavenly hosts are the upper class: Seraphim, Cherubim and Thrones. Very image conscious, that lot. Always wanting to get their mugs on the cover of some oil painting or other; they’re about as inconspicuous as ram-raiders in a Popemobile heading for the window of Ann Summers.

The second, middle class, division contains Dominations, Principalities and Powers. Like your own middle classes, they keep themselves to themselves only turning out for PTA meetings or ABBA the musical.

Last and least are my lot - the working class: Virtues, Archangels and Angels. We are, to use a technical term, in the world, i.e. we are your actual working heavenly hosts. We roam the city, unseen and unheard by people, observing and listening to the diverse thoughts of you poor old mortals or Shufflers, as we call you on account of your mortality. It’s a term of endearment really. Secretly, we’re a mite jealous. More on that another time.

Sometimes though, we appear to you in the guise of benevolent buddies. I myself have a great fondness for breaking bread with earthbound souls in the guise of a pasty-faced blonde sky pilot with unrealistic expectations of life. So of course I blend in perfectly.

Some of Your Angel Questions Answered

Q: Where do you come from?

A: We were created by God but are superior in nature to men. For example, a lot of us studied at Girton or St Hilda's. We were created before the heavens and all material things apart from plastic bags, dogshit and financial services trade magazine supplements.

Q: What does God look like?

A: Well He is sort of Jesus-shaped.

Q: Are you like us?

A: Yes and No. We are endowed with Free Will (except where chocolate or shoes are concerned) and are able to communicate with each other. But we do not reason as you do, for the keenness of our intellect enables us to see by intuition many things which are hidden to you. That said, life isn’t always easy when you’re an immaterial girl living in a material world.

Q: Do you die?

A: Pay attention. We are immortal and when you are immortal you don’t have to go to the gym. Sweet. Being immortal also means that when we retire, index-linked annuities truly are a Godsend.

Q: How many angels can dance on a pinhead?

A: Depends on how vindictive we’re feeling towards the mentally subnormal. Angels have bad halo days, too.

Q: How old are you?

A: In my current somatic form, as Destiny Angel, I am a blonde female pilot in her mid-20s - stationed at Spectrum’s Cloudbase - often to be found patrolling the skies, flying peace-keeping missions over the plain of Armageddon. But I feel younger at heart and am sometimes to be heard humming “I am sixteen, going on seventeen (millennia)".

Q: Do you wear make-up?

A: Well, at the Seventh General Council, the Patriarch Tarasius argued that angels might be painted because they were circumscribed and had appeared to many in the form of men. I myself always wear a heavy foundation of faith before applying some carefully concealed blusher.

Q: Do you suffer from PMT?

A: Yes. Post Millennium Tension is a problem for quite a few of us. Two thousand years and He ain’t shown yet. I mean, we’ve kept His seat warm and the table set. See, we’d always laboured under the assumption that The Last Supper was really a misnomer for The Penultimate Supper. It’s something I try not to think about too often.

Q: Have you ever had a romantic entanglement?

A: A few. In fact, nowhere near too few to mention. I still squirm about the time me and Captain Black got our wires crossed. That was before he went over to the Dark Side. He wanted a no strings attached relationship but I told him I could never be that kind of a girl. And once upon a time I briefly dated Troy Tempest, mainly because he drove a rather nifty e-type Stingray. But it never got serious because he was secretly in love with Marina, a mermaid. So it goes.

Q: Do angels enjoy the pleasures and fulfilment of a deeply committed monogamous relationship?

A: Alas, we are destined to an eternity of unrequited love, being incapable of marriage. Another of His little pranks. But before you laugh too hard, be warned the same fate lies in store for all you who labour under the illusion that, despite temporary widowhood or widowerhood, you will be reunited in the Hereafter. Think again. In Matthew 12, verse 30 it says “for in the resurrection they neither marry nor are given in marriage, but are like angels in heaven.” So you see, we are all ultimately in the same boat.

More on unrequited love, later. After all, we’ve got all the time in the world.